Second time.
This is the second time for me to go through an operation.
The first was one month short of ten years. November 21, 2002
Ten years forward, October 20, 2012
After the first time, I said I will never survive another operation if I had to have one.
But here I am, a week after the operation.
Alive. Strong.
Strong enough to walk around.
To bathe. To eat. To pray. To read. To listen to sermons. To write.
To laugh. To cry. To be angry.
Angry.
Angry at my situation.
What should I have done to not have to go through another operation in my life?
This disease. Dis-ease.
Are diseases consequences of sins?
I am a sinner. A transgressor.
I have offended God and the Holy Spirit many times. Many ways.
James 3:2
"We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check."
And we sin again and again. As if the stumbling in many ways is an excuse for sinning again and again.
But God does not bless us because we do good.
The same way that He does not allow pain and suffering because we are bad.
God showers blessings to everyone, good or bad.
Bad things happen to both good and bad people.
Good things happen to both good and bad people.
Everyone is in equal footing.
With equal chances to approach God's throne of grace when we are too weighed down by the sins in our lives. We come back to the throne of grace to ask for mercy, for forgiveness, to be taken in again as God's children.
Yet not everyone of us see that.
I know that feeling too.
When I feel that sinfulness is overtaking everything in my life, even when I know where the throne of grace is, I avoid it. Like if I avoid it, it will disappear and cease to be the THRONE OF GRACE.
Like my bodily pains, that sometimes I try to ignore in the hope that they will go away.
Shame.
It does overtake me.
Ashamed to approach God again.
Because I am not sure God will be ready to forgive?
Or because I KNOW GOD IS ALWAYS READY TO FORGIVE?
How can I look God straight in the eye to ask for forgiveness when I know I have been in this spot many times before?
The Writer~ she always says it correctly:
"Sometimes it’s hard to look love square in the eye and accept the acceptance. Is this why we turn from God?"
His acceptance.
It pierces through my being.
Not because He accepts and stands with arms crossed and foot tapping and waiting for me.
His acceptance of us, sinners as we are, pierces through us~ reminding us that He loves us so -- oh how He loves us so!
Even when we don't love HIM back.
Unconditional.
And it is hard to accept HIS acceptance of us.
So that we turn from HIM. We run away from Him.
But is there really any way out of His sight?
I can run all I want, hide all I want.
and I can stay in that cycle if I want.
and stay LOST and BROKEN.
I choose to stop running away.
I choose to stop hiding.
I choose to accept HIS ACCEPTANCE.
Thank you for making me cry.
ReplyDeleteThank you for making that choice.
Thank you for each post, whether prose or verse, that makes me want to look inside my heart and check if I'm walking with God as closely as you seem to be doing now.
Joy, you have been walking with HIM...so much more than I have been. I have seen your exchanges with friend T and you have a church to fellowship with -- that is important. That is still my struggle here that I don't have one.
ReplyDeleteBut it is good for us to feel we should always look closer into our own hearts--to constantly commune with HIM, it is the way to not fall off the track. That is what I am hoping to do from here on too. ~that I continue to walk this path --and with you, dear friends, the journey would be so great. I write prose and verse now because I want to reach out to other friends too. To do my share in sharing God's Word and His Love...
Chip Ingram always says - Keep pressing on!
Lost my comment....maybe it was too long.
ReplyDeleteGod is always ready to forgive us, long before we even forgive ourselves. There is nothing we can do to earn His love. It is all through grace. We have a hard time accepting that sometimes, do we? Because we think we do not deserve it. (But what is the root of that thinking except pride? That we is something we *can* do to earn His favor.)
Grace and Peace (who's having trouble leaving a comment because the option for only a URL is not there) :)