The Memory of an Elephant

I'm sorry for venting.
Even if some say it is okay to vent.
To let the heart cry.


I know it doesn't help me feel okay.
I know it adds to my worries.


When I can just let it go. I choose to dwell in it.
When I can just quit worrying, I choose to mull over it.
Over and over


as if worrying and venting would change anything

Matthew 6:27 
"Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" 


I thought I have come to the point ~
that I can be at peace even with the thought of my own death


I have sought God's grace and peace
I felt that I have found it


yet the worries of the world still hold me captive
I am still a slave to my worried heart.


I do not have reason to worry.
How many times has God shown me
that He will never leave me or forsake me?

My life today is a testament to that.


Really!


I was worried.
I entertained the Deceiver who made me think I should worry.
I listened to his lies that even what appears to be good is bad.
I listened even when I know that God can even make something bad turn out good


Romans 8:28

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."


O Ye of little faith
O Ye of little faith
O Ye of little faith


I feel the words as I read them.
I hear the words in my head.
I am one of them.

In the book of Matthew alone, Jesus used this statement four times.
O ye of little faith!


Yet records show that the phrase "Fear not" was used 365 times!

365
Just like the number of days in a year.

Everyday, fear not!


Matthew 6:30
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 

Every. Day.


An elephant is better than me.
Elephant memory retains crucial information related to survival.


I have a broken back that brings me worries everyday.
I read information on the internet.
I watch videos.


And they all say to get up from sitting down every hour.
Stretch a little. Walk a little.
Every. Hour.


But I don't always.
Elephant memory retains crucial information related to survival. 



I was advised to drink lots of water to keep the spinal discs lubricated.
But I forget.
I don't have the memory of an elephant.
Elephant memory retains crucial information related to survival. 



God commands us to keep His words in our hearts.


Deuteronomy 11:18
"Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads"


I should strive to have the memory of an elephant.

FEAR is a place

How do you know that God is speaking to you?
Would it really be crazy of you to say that you "heard" God speaking to you?
Would it make a difference if you say you "read" God instead of you "heard" God?

I read The Writer's blog everyday.
I have backtracked and read almost all of the 2012 posts.
So I decided to go to the archives and chose a year to start reading back.

I clicked January 2010 ~ planning to read from January to December 2010

The page opened to the January 30, 2010 blogpost: Weekends are for Growth

I see that the list goes backwards; the second in the list is January 29, 2010. ~Why Your Fears May Be The First Step In The Right Direction

I see I am in the wrong place if I am looking to start reading from January 1 onwards.

So I clicked on the back arrow~it gave me January 28. When You Are Afraid of Dying
Another click, January 27 Forgiven Much
Another click January 26 How to Handle Little People

This is really going backwards

I know now. Go back to the archives and click January 2010.
And then click the post for January 30 and instead of the back button, click on the forward button
>February 1, 2010. That's the way to go.
I should select December 2011 so when I click forward, it will give me January 1, 2010.

But before I could, I found myself looking at January 30, 2010 again. Weekends Are For Growth

I started to read:


 ‘Fear is like pain.

Pain is given as an indicator that something is going on. Pain says, “Hey, pay some attention here.” Step away from the flame. Get that splinter out. Cease what you are doing, the child is coming now. Go to the doctor and see what’s causing this.

Fear does the same.

Where fear pops up, makes itself known, there stands God, right behind me, right with me, saying,

    “Pay attention here! I am doing something with you. The timing of this fear is not by accident. Let’s have the conversation that needs to happen here. This is the topic. This is the time.”

Go there.”

Fear is a place of growth, a place where God “wants to do something with you.”


It struck me.
Is God speaking to me?

PAIN - that is what I have from the moment I wake up till before I sleep again.
Even through Dolcet and Lyrica - my pain medications.

"Pain is given as an indicator that something is going on".

Yes, something is going on.
I feel it.
It's the same as what went on ten years ago.

I had to have a spine surgery. Laminotomy.
The MRI showed disk herniation in my lumbar disks. L4 and L5
It got to an ugly place that I had to have the procedure done. And quick.

And then the next ten years was pain-free.
In between the years, I didn't have God in my life.

On the 9th year, I found my way back.

I heard about One Thousand Gifts.
Read bits and pieces of it.
I started writing verses for the Lord.
The seed of the desire to write One Thousand Verses was planted

It was good. I felt renewed.


And then, a stumbling block.
I retreated.
The one step I used to take towards God and the two steps backward that I take after each step~
 it became more than two steps.
Maybe 4, maybe 6...
until I found myself sliding all the way back to nowhere.

Slowly, I inched my way back.
I wrote verses again.
But didn't publish them.
I kept them in the drafts folder.

The familiar pain was back.
I went in for Physical Therapy
I didn't complete the treatment.
But the pain subsided. 
 I thought I was fine.


Before a big trial that was to come my way,
I started publishing the verses.

And then the news~ I need another surgery done. Hysterectomy.
It all went so fast. 
Recovered from it but even before the conclusion to it through a biopsy,
I started feeling disk herniation pains again.

Therapy becomes so much difficult because I am still recuperating from the hysterectomy.

So everyday, I face PAIN.
Worse than before.
Pain that wakes me up at odd hours.
Pain that makes me scream in the middle of the night


 "Pain says, “Hey, pay some attention here.”
And I listened.

I want to find God again.
Finding means looking for something somewhere.
Finding what I am looking for in a place.
But where? 

 
Fear is a place of growth, a place where God “wants to do something with you.”


THIS IS WHERE!!!!





Hebrews 11:6
 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. 


And I echo The Writer's paraphrase of this verse ~ “It’s impossible to please God unless I do things I’m afraid of.”
 
Fear. I have fear in my heart.
Fear of losing my life.
Between a pending biopsy result and a herniated disk, God, don't I have reason to fear?

Fear is a place of growth, a place where God wants to do something with you

In my fear, I sought this place.
This place where I could find my God and listen to Him speak to me.
Even if I feared what He might say to me.

And every day, I come to this place of my fear.
To find new answers to my questions of fear.
And God shows me passages....and stories.....and strength.....and hope.....

I am growing in this place of growth called fear.
Faith increases.
Faith that God will show me what He wants to do with me.

And faith that even if I lose my life to this PAIN
He is still my God.
I am still His beloved.

The Writer said it: "How can we give them what we are only slowly coming to hold: God’s purposes are not for me to understand His plans: His plan is for me to understand Who He is."

Fear is a place for my Faith to grow.
Fear is a place for me to understand who God is. 

The Thanks Therapy

The last visit to the doctor when I was supposed to get my biopsy result, I was so anxious.

I have been holding my breath too long and it is still not there. 

She said another week.

When I wrote, One More Day, I talked about how I saw it as God giving me another day to listen to His words, to sing Him praises and to ponder more about the reason He is making me go through this trial.

I didn't know that He didn't mean it for one more day but ONE MORE WEEK.

And as I continue to write blogs and write verses and seek Him in the other blogs I read, I began feeling that calmness~that Peace that there is nothing I can do to change anything.That whatever the result is, there is nothing that I can do to change one letter in that medical report.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


The waiting is painful.
It is stealing my joy.
It is like having the sword of Damocles hanging above me.
Ready to snap any moment.


Until God spoke to me through my readings and listening to sermons that ALL IS WELL


The day that I realized that I have to wait another week, I felt that I have received God's peace.
I stopped worrying.
I even stopped thinking too much about it.


I have approached God's throne of grace and I have cried out to God the petition of my soul.
And He has shown me places in the Bible that gave me peace.


What I should continually do now is to give thanks.
To give thanks in all circumstances.
Because as I again echo The Writer's words: 
the Thanks Therapy is God's prescription for Joy


Since then, my daily conversations with God in my times of prayer have been filled with feeling His warmth, feeling Him actually telling me, "I will take care of the rest"


So that as I continue to seek His wisdom and write my verses and prose about Him and His love for a person as broken as myself, I have this peace within me.

How do I know?
Because I no longer jump up on my toes and break out into uncontrollable sobs fearing that medical report.


Days ago, I would be laying down and it would flash to my mind that there is a report to be anxious about
and I would actually feel anxious and afraid and I would cry and cry.


It definitely stole my joy!


God provided me with the peace that brought back my joy.
The peace that is the reason I can still write verses and blogs.
The peace that allows me to do the Thanks Therapy with all my heart.
The peace that shows me that no matter what, God is still with me.


God is with me because even after my surgery, we still managed to get my youngest son enrolled in the second semester
God is with me because besides the youngest getting enrolled, the middle son just also got a chance to get listed in a short-term skills course that will start soon.


And I thank God for everything every day..

This thanks therapy took away the worry about the sword above me.
And instead filled me with joy and reassurance that God is with me, no matter what.

this asymptotic relationship with God

Every day, I make it a point to read Christian blogs.
Or listen to a sermon.
To learn things that I cannot learn by myself alone.
To feed my soul with the Bread of Life.


I cannot claim wisdom to interpret the meaning of all Bible passages.
So I pray to God before reading~~
asking Him to teach me how to understand His words.


I do not wish to totally depend on others' wisdom
but I do believe that the people I read and the people I listen to~~
they base their sermons and blogs on the Bible.


And I see the TRUTH of God's words in the way they share it
and the way they live their own lives.


Someone asked: "Are you taking the words of mere human beings as Bible truths"?

No.
But their words are not their own.
They extract God's words from the Holy Book.
They ask for God's guidance in teaching others.


I pick up nuggets of wisdom from other men and women.
They who write and speak about God's Kingdom and God's will for us.


Dietrich Bonhoeffer,a theologian who was martyred by the Nazis during the second world war, wrote:
 
“The Christian needs another Christian who speaks God’s Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth. He needs his brother as a bearer and proclaimer of the divine word of salvation.”


That is how I begin understanding the deeper meaning of God's words.
By looking into other Christians' words and experiences.
Their encounters with God in different places and different areas in their lives make plain to me what the difficult verses want to convey.


The Bible was not designed to be an "easy read".


And each time I read other Christians' blogs or listen to what they share~~
Each time is an invitation to open my Bible and see for myself God's promises.
They teach me how to search God's words and build up my faith.
They teach me that all is Grace.
They teach me the value of my life and how much God loves me.



In the past, I have taken single steps towards God and later take two steps backward.
So that I never quite made it there.


This asymptotic relationship with my Maker is like a descending curve that approaches but does not reach the horizontal axis.


I want to know more.
I want to build my relationship with my Creator.
and I want to help others build their relationship with God too.
In whatever way I can.


First to start with my own family.
To bring my children closer to God.
And help them realize what their life is all about.


I want us to get to that point of actually reaching the horizontal axis.


An understanding and acceptance of what God's plan for each one of us is.
To understand that there is a reason that things in our lives happen.
That we may not understand everything because our thoughts are different from God's thoughts. 
To not fear death but instead look forward to the time we join our Creator.


There is so much more to learn.
There is so much more truths to know.
And I pray that the time left for each one of us to live our lives is enough for us to live according to His will.

One more day

I was supposed to visit the doctor's office today for a follow-up check-up after my surgery.
And to know the histopath result.


It is something I am anxious about.
No matter what one would say, a histopath is a histopath.
And it is scary.
It is the medical report that anyone would dread receiving.
Unless of course the paper would say "benign"


For some emergency reason, my doctor didn't make it to her clinic today.
Her secretary, who I sent a text message to, to confirm that I am taking a slot today texted me back within an hour after I messaged that my doctor will be out today and rescheduling me for tomorrow.


It took a minute before it registered to my brain.
It means that the last piece of suture that my doctor is supposed to remove today will have to stay another day.


And that I have to endure another day of this weird feeling knowing there is still something of the surgery that needs to leave my body so I can go ahead and feel that I am actually recovering from the operation.


And most of all, another day of holding my breath waiting for the biopsy result.


Last night, I have prayed and conditioned  myself~~prepared myself for that scenario~but avoiding fear and negative thoughts.
And I went to bed feeling blessed and secure in my thoughts.


For a week now, I have been through crests and troughs...
and highs and lows of confidence that everything is going to be alright.


I am human. It is but natural to feel positive one moment and negative the next.

But I refuse to entertain thoughts now that because of this one more day, all the good hopes that I have been building have come tumbling down. Because they have not.


I see this one more day in another light.
One more day to reflect on what this sickness means.in my life.


It is one more day for me to swing by Ann Voskamp's site to chance upon How to Stop Fears From Stealing Your Crazy Joy


Today someone told me "it's OK to talk to God but if you say God talked to you, you're crazy"


But God does talk to people.
Maybe not vocally.


I have heard Him talking to me many times.
But He used the voices of other people
Or Scriptures.
Or a book, such as one written by AW Tozer.
Or a song, by Don Moen.
Or a blog, by Ann Voskamp


 Like today.

"Lean back into Him.

There is this way of living: abandon all worries and abide in Christ — all is well. 

The relief’s in the release of everything into the hands of God. Isn’t it all safer in His hands anyway? Abandon and abide — all is well."

The Writer says it right again.

ALL IS WELL.

 I smiled as I read.
And then I heard my son playing YouTube music of Don Moen's "I will Sing" album.
My son, his name is Donn too. Don. Donn.


I got out of my room to listen closely.


"Though the fig tree may not blossom
nor fruit beyond the vines
though the labor of the olive may fail
and the fields yield no food
though the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls" [Habakkuk 3:17]


Yet, I will rejoice in the Lord.
and i will joy in the God of my salvation
Lord we determine tonight
with all that's in us
that we are going to bless your name
in spite of every circumstance we are facing
we choose to cry
we choose to bless you

 Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

Chorus:
I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

Lord it's hard for me to see
All the thoughts and plans You have for me
But I will put my trust in You
Knowing that You died to set me free
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give grace
With all that's in my heart



Yes.
All is well.
I will Sing.



because when life is HARDEST,
that is when you sing the LOUDEST.
The devil flees at a hymn....

how do you explain your religion?

When you are born and raised in man's religion, how do you tell them you have found what God's religion is?


You tired of rituals.
Of bending the knees to show the others in this religion that you know how to bend your knees.
But the real meaning of bent knees is lost.


You tired of hearing the principle of this religion.
"Come to church on Sundays".
It is just one hour out of the seven 24/hr days that you are given.
Come to church and you are done with what is required of you as a Christian.
Easy.


 I have been wrapped up in this same principle.
Clothed in it for a good many years of my life.
I never learned about earning my riches in heaven
Because I never saw concrete examples.


All I have seen is the pompous life.
The life of ease.
The life opposite poverty.
And the struggle to never become poor in material things.
Motivated by the way of "get", not the way of "give"
Covered by an outer show of the one-hour-a-week religion.


Short memory.
How did they even get to the place they are in now?
By fabricating a story to discredit another?
By accumulating riches with justifications that they toiled for it , therefore they deserved it?


Rituals.
Festivities.
Eating and Drinking.
Merriment.
All justified by the once-a-week ritual of singing, praising, kneeling, standing and honoring the "Jesus" who died on the cross but never left it as he remains nailed to this cross.
Even to this day.


When you start hearing of the hungry in many places~
Of children who die because of drinking unclean water~
Of people who eat only once a day, sometimes not even~
Of people who scrape bowls of left-overs hoping there is something left~
Even if you yourself do not live in the extravagance of good food and comfortable life,
Don't you feel guilt looming over you?


that even in what is considered poverty in the third world,
you still eat three times a day, snacks optional even...


and when your heart is stirred to want to give, to share, to serve~
is that God's religion?

“Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles.” (James 1:27)

“And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least … when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.” (Mt: 10:42, 25:40) 

Big houses.

Comfortable homes.

Food well in stock.

To feed the friends in their one-hour religion

To get intoxicated and ridicule the Christians who say Amen for all things good and bad.

The religious who pray long-winded prayers that say nothing at all.

Like the people in the synagogues who show off their religion by what they do when they pray.

Matthew 6:5
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.

All this for what?
For gaining a blessed, eternal life?
For earning a seat in heaven?
Trying to secure in advance a place for themselves after they die?
As if there is anything that they can do or give in exchange for their soul?

Mark 8:36
36 For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul 37 Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul 38 Whosoever __ therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels

You don't have to come face to face with DEATH before you start appreciating your own life and the purpose of your religion.

FIND the MEANING of your own life.
Before you lose it meaninglessly.

We will all lose our lives. 
But its meaning depend on  how you defined yours. 

So how do I tell the next-of-kin why I gave up the one-hour-a-week-religion?

The answer really is, "Why not?"

Because not all medicines come in capsules

I wrote verse #50 today, Everyday Pain
I did because that is my reality.
That not even half a month into my last surgery,
I am in another kind of pain.


It is not new. 
It is what I was  going to a Physical Therapy clinic for a few months ago.
It is what I was getting my lower limbs pulled by traction hoping to fix the errant discs in my spine.
Again.
Like ten years ago. 


I cannot begin to describe the pain.
I am running out of words to describe the pain that is supposed to be similar to the pain I had ten years ago.
Sort of. But they are not.


Worse.
That much I can accurately say.
But I will stop trying to describe the pain.


I do marvel at the power of drugs to heal a person's wound after a surgery.
It is fascinating that someone who gets opened up for the surgeon to fix something will just go through 24 hours of getting in and out of sleep and pain and sleep and pain and sleep and pain and sleep....
And then no more.

At least in my case.


A day and a half after, I can get up and walk.
Go to the bathroom.
Another day and I can walk the hallway and back.


Even earlier than that, As soon as I get out of the Recovery Room
I can move side to side without help

 
I heal quick from the outside
But deep inside, so many parts are still broken.
And so I say, not all pains are the same.

And the drugs don't help at all.



I go back to The Writer's piece about writing a blog~~about writing our stories.
Our messy stories.
The stories written by a messed up writer for the messed up reader.
Stories that heal two broken hearts~that of the writer and the reader.


And then I go back to the blogs I have written.
All the stories.
About all things broken.
And how God puts them all back together.


One by one.
And then I heave.
And sigh.
And feel myself warming to my own stories.



The Writer always says it right:
"The first person that any words ever heal ~ is the writer of those words"


Those broken hearts ~ of the writer and the reader, are both mine.
I am the messed up writer and I am the messed up reader.


And as I read my own stories that I have written incorporating the thoughts of other bloggers,
I feel the tight muscles loosening. 
And the ebbing pain fading.
 .

That is relief.

I know the pain will slowly build up again later.
It is the same as when you're hooked up to Tramadol drip and you drift in and out of pain and sleep.
It cycles.


But the grand thing about it is getting a dose of pain killer that doesn't hurt the kidneys.
And even if the pain will come back later, there is always another dose that I can help myself with.
More stories from more broken hearts and messed up people. 


Until I heal from this pain.
Until God, who is in control of everything, decides when do I get disconnected to this invisible IV line that doesn't ever need an IV push.

Until I receive my healing whether here or in eternity.

I will be healed.
Because not all medicines come in capsules or tablets or IV.

I will be healed.
In God's perfect time.